Vegemite sandwiches with a smile

A serious post for once

Mon, 14 May 2007 01:52:35 GMT

I don't post about it a lot, but I do enjoy my job and take it seriously. When I started, we were a company with about a hundred people and one location. My job was to maintain all the computers and "help establish an Internet presence." Now we have twenty-six sites, four hundred desktops, multiple network services, and three full time IT peeps.

Anyhoo, one of the unfortunate factors of my job is that I get all the incoming sales calls. I've posted about them before; those are probably my more entertaining episodes, apart from all the bestiality. What gets me about these people is they're so inept, so shoddy, that it's like they're determined to scare sales away. For the record, here are some ways to piss off potential buyers before you even get a chance to finish your initial pitch:

Have an unintelligible accent. Enough said.
Have a speech impediment. I have a minor stutter myself, but you don't see me making cold calls.
Start throwing buzzwords around. "We leverage market research to maximize your target potential." "We specialize in warehousing paradigms." "We utilize CRM endpoints." "We're data sourcing optimizers." You know what? Who gives a shit? You're making me think too hard to interpret what it is you're trying to sell me, and that just makes me irritable. Don't make the customer do your work for you.
Talk about yourself a lot. I don't care. I really don't. Get a customer's interest first, then start talking about your qualifications or what you do. When I pick up the phone, I'm worried about a lab manager telling me he's got an account he needs deactivated in a hurry, or that their Internet connection is down. It pisses me off no end to have to hear a stranger talking about himself, as if it carries any importance in my busy day.

Seriously, this one is the worst offense, in my book. What kind of egotistical sales strategy assumes that starting off an unwanted conversation by talking about yourself is going to make the person on the other end of the phone more receptive? These are the ones I'm rudest to. The conversations go something like this:
"Hi, we're an Oracle-certified SBS partner.." "That's nice." *click*
"Hi, I'm calling from Cisco..." "I'm happy for you." *click*
"Hi, we do project management for Fortune 500 companies...." "That's lovely." *click*
"Hi, we're data integration specialists..." "Don't call again." *click*

Be arrogant. I get voicemails like, "I'm calling from Microsoft. You can reach me at..." I get phone calls that start, "I sent you a promotional mailing last week and I'm calling now to schedule an appointment in person to discuss my products. Is Thursday good for you?" This kind of call always makes me envision the caller as someone wearing a plaid blazer with greasy hair, selling used autos of dodgy quality. A related call is the one where the caller wants to know if I'm "ready" to move to their product line. Really.
Don't pay attention. I answer the phone with my full name (unless I know it's a transfer), so immediately asking to speak to me doesn't win any points. Also, if I answer the phone, hear a few seconds of silence, and then someone on the other end say, "Hello? Hello?" it becomes clear to me that I am speaking to a drone at a call center with automated calling and I mutter something derogatory about their parentage as I slam the phone down.
Be unnecessarily pushy or nosy, especially if you haven't come to the point yet. I've told all the admins at the main numbers where I work that they can transfer all IT-related sales calls to me, so they don't have to worry about whether or not a call is legit. Their job isn't to screen calls, anyway. The result is that I get a lot of transferred calls where the conversation goes something like this:

"Hello."
"Hello?"
"Yes, hello."
"Hello, is this the IT department?"
"Yes, can I help you?"
"Are you the head of IT?"
"Yes."
"Are you authorized to make purchases for IT equipment?"
"Uh, yeah. Can I help you with anything?"
"Are you responsible for selecting buyers and standard parts for..."
"Go the fuck away." *click*
Of course, a sales droid wants to make sure he's dealing with the right person, but this brash probing style is too much like an interrogation. It's almost as creepy as the conversation, which I get about once a month, where the caller wants me to describe our network structure and assets so that he can "recommend" products that would suit us. Fuck off, pal. That's like asking a woman how old she is.

Believe it or not, I'm not horribly rude to all callers. I don't often buy from cold calls, but I at least give them a polite "no, thanks, have a nice day" before hanging up on them if they don't violate the rules above.

So how should a sales team arrange their calls? I got thinking about this the other day when Jim/Seamus called me up to bounce some ideas off me. This is one of the smartest things he's ever done; not because I have any good ideas, per se, but because I'm surly enough on the phone that I can weed out all the ideas of his that make me cranky. Jim, see, has a new job where he's more or less putting together the sales strategy. These are some of the things I told him:

Do not depend on an educated customer. Somebody who already knows the buzzwords probably has done the research himself, and probably already has a vendor of choice.
Don't talk about yourself. You don't matter right away. Talk about the customer; more accurately, the customer's needs, and how you can help them.
Make it condensed and quick. You have limited time before someone grumpy hangs up on you, so get to the point.
Identify first the itch you can scratch, then how you can scratch it. If you supply IT widgets, say so. If you deliver customer software, say so. Identify the customer's needs, not the little niche that you see yourself in. It's about the customer, not you. If you can, in a few words, work in a reason why you're better than your competitors with a few words, do so; just beware the buzzword trap.
Upsell your clients. I don't mean spam your customer base; this is the mistake a lot of suppliers use, and leads to me never using them again. But do take the time to follow up on recent orders to see how the situation is, and take the opportunity to make suggestions for additional sales if warranted. I'm relatively cheap as a buyer, and yet my Dell rep upsells me all time because his suggestions make sense. He knows when to leave well enough alone if I know what I'm talking about, but his suggestions for seriously increasing the firepower of what I'm buying for a small incremental cost make too much sense for me to ignore.
This probably belongs in a completely separate post about good product management, but since it has to do with sales, I'll include it here: give a direct feedback line from your sales team to your production team. Sales people are hired to be personable and persistent and are often the most consistent human contact customers have with your company. The feedback they get from customers is the most honest and unfiltered; that is an invaluable resource.

Free to a good home

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 15:11:56 GMT

Several window AC units. Three or four; I lost exact count.

In excellent condition and work great.

We have central air and want them out of our basement.

****UPDATE*****

It turns out we have six. I don't know if all of them work or not. I'll test them tonight.

Two are already spoken for by the danabren. Is anyone else going to be at Crown tomorrow? I can bring a few for delivery.

Horse people will love this

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 00:54:00 GMT

Seriously, this is great. It starts off impressive, then gets full of awesome.

Competely safe for work, although the disco soundtrack and the commentary will make you want to stick pencils in your ears.

Contract job

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 20:51:35 GMT

Anybody want a contract job, or know of anyone who wants a contract job, doing some Access programming?

Situation: we have an Excel template worksheet with some pretty hairy calculations. This spreadsheet gets filled out and imported into an Access database, which then turns around and spits out a report.

What we want: The whole thing to be done in a single Access database. Form entry, reports, storage, etc.

It doesn't sound all that difficult to me, but I don't have time to do it (or inclination to work around Access' limitations). This is an ongoing project that comes as part of a company we just acquired. Their outsourced developer claims it will require 100 man hours of programming time, which I think is more appropriate for getting a complete web application launched.

Finn requested greatswords....

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 04:04:00 GMT

...but my graphix skills are not leet.

All alone

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 21:16:36 GMT

My minion's last day was today. I'll keep in touch with him, but he's off to a new job three miles from his house. I wish him the best.

Remember when Radar left the unit on M*A*S*H and Klinger had to take over? I don't, because the show was way before my time. But I've heard about it.

Are you all sure you don't know anybody looking for a job? Basic tech support and good programming are all I'm looking for. I'll consider someone who doesn't know VB.NET if he/she is good with another language. .NET isn't too hard to pick up and there's a solid codebase here to learn from.

The IT Services Associate must have the following qualifications:

Detailed knowledge and experience in web based development and all the standards and protocols associated with implementing and growing an efficient and modern web presence.

Expert with Windows 98/2000/XP/2003 and Linux.

Extensive data base knowledge and experience as well as network operating systems and security.

Bachelor in Computer Science or equivalent.

Detailed knowledge of Web programming with .NET and ability to maintain legacy ASP code.

Experience with development support and deployment of desktop applications.

Experience and knowledge troubleshooting and maintaining PCs and networks.

Good computer organization and typing skills.

Proven written and verbal communication skills and experience in generating documentation.

Responsibilities:

Perform desktop support across MHG WAN as necessary.

Install and troubleshoot PC computer hardware for all identified MHG employees. Coordinate each person with the necessary privileges on the network.

Install, troubleshoot and maintain software on all employees’ PC based workstations and server.

Provide production support for MHG’s internal programs and assist in development, testing, training, distribution, customer interfacing and feedback to engineering.

Maintain and document web-based installations related to internal automation, interactive web experiences, and remote monitoring.

Assist in providing information to MHG subsidiaries worldwide.

Package applications for deployment within the Active Directory domain.

Assume backup responsibilities for network and servers.

Looking for IT personnel

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 16:42:58 GMT

Crap. My minion just handed in his resignation. He very much enjoys it here, but the commute is too far. His wife had to rush to the emergency room a month ago and it took him an hour to get there.

So. Anybody looking for a job in IT? The position is 50% tech support (network, desktop, and servers) and 50% .NET programming.

**********edit*************

The location for this job is in Princeton Junction, NJ, near Lawrenceville.

Applicants must be skilled in desktop support, including hardware issues and general software support. Familiarity with networking concepts is a plus.

Additionally, this position develops and supports web based applications written in .NET and legacy ASP code, and there are desktop applications which require incremental production support.

This is a job that requires a lot of self-management, with the ability to recognize priorities and act on them.

Some thoughts

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 17:44:55 GMT

I have opinions. The ones I share most are the ones that won't start an argument, like music.

I tend to form strong opinions about music, and of course mine are always correct. I can state with great certainty, for instance, that rap is not music and has no redeeming value as an "art" form whatsoever.

That being said, I'm interested in what everyone else thinks. I therefore lay down this challenge:

Name some overrated and underrated musicians. The catch is that I want to know one underrated musician for every overrated one you list. This is not a "X band sucks!" discussion. I'm also curious about your reasoning.

I'll start:

I think Eric Johnson doesn't get anywhere near the acknowledgment that he should. He's one of the most amazing guitarists I've ever heard, from composition to technique. His albums are full of amazing compositions played with a master's touch in an array of different styles and genres. And yet, the only song of his I've ever heard played on the radio is "Cliffs of Dover." The only people that seem to know about him are guitarists.

And Neal Peart of Rush has nothing going for him whatsoever. Guys like Mike Portnoy from Dream Theater blow him away, and do it without the hollow lyrics, cliche song structures, or tedious music.

w00t

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 00:29:29 GMT

Yee haw. The abs are coming back.

Information breach?

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 18:21:30 GMT

Question for you all:

LJ has debuted the nudge feature. This is amusing on its own, but....

What's more interesting is that this page bypasses some of the built-in security features that LJ has. If you check that page, you'll only see mutual friends who haven't posted in the last week. The funny bit is that it bypasses the security check to see whether you're permitted to see the postings of everyone on your friends list.

In other words, if a friend does not appear on that list, but you don't see anything from them in the past week, it means you have been restricted from their postings. Since the page only shows mutual friends, that implies the use of custom friends groups to filter you out. Surely if you filter someone out, you don't necessarily want them knowing you've posted, either.

This is probably only useful to the desperate and the stalkers, but I notice it because I code stuff like this professionally and on a hobby basis. It amuses me to see a site release a tool that bypasses its own access control.

Anyway, my question is whether anyone else is concerned about this. I am leaving this post public, as I'd like to solicit comments from anyone and everyone before reporting it to the LJ staff as a bug.

Who's got a pirate persona?

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 16:44:59 GMT

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!

It's clobberin' time

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 23:36:07 GMT

It truly is a wonderful thing to have a hobby that involves blunt force application of friendliness.

I'm serious here. Combine an athletic workout, face to face friendly competition, slight potential for danger and/or pain, and the stress and anxiety melts away.

The horror, the horrror

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 04:58:41 GMT

We're home safe, but damn that was a scary ride. We made it up to 12th Night in one hour, twenty minutes. It took us three hours, ten minutes through the driving snow. On 195, it was coming down so heavy, thick, and windy that we literally could not see the road in front of us.

My stomach is slowly unclenching. Between the stress of idiot drivers, driving conditions, and the possibility that I've really wrecked a good friendship earlier, my gut is a lead ball the size of a grapefruit about now.

Journal changes

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 16:52:09 GMT

I've gone and made this LJ friends-only. I realize that I say a lot of silly and weird things that could easily be misunderstood by those who don't know me well. There's enough social speculation in the world without me adding to it.

Beard stubble looking very manly. Still not king.

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 19:08:01 GMT

So my day's going well. I had my annual review this morning and got promoted from IT Services Supervisor to IT Services Manager. As part of this new position, I'm going to be formally codifying what the IT Services department consists of and laying out policy (not to mention wearing a tie). It'll mostly be clarifying the way things are now and shooting for perfection with the rest.

Even more exciting, I got to promote my underling last week. He does 50% tech support and 50% programming. His title was IT Support Associate, but I felt that was inadequate to describe his real value to us. He's now an IT Services Analyst. We picked a real winner when we hired him.

Notes from my tour through Kentucky and Alabama

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 18:41:08 GMT

People down south are real nice.
I know I say "y'all" a lot, but damn.
I got the phrase "You aren't from around these parts, are you?" three times in Kentucky alone.
Interestingly, it was "You aren't" and not "Y'all ain't"
Banjos are terrifying in person
No, I'm sure I want a WAP, not a router. Yes, I know what routers are. Yes, I know that routers are self-contained and are great for managing a small network. Yes, I'm sure I don't want one. Yes, I know why Staples changed their logo from "Yeah, we got that" because they don't got it.
I now remember why I don't watch TV.
It's safe to say an airport is laid back when they don't open until forty-five minutes before the flight

Traveling

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 14:18:04 GMT

Yay. Traveling to Kentucky, West Virginia, and Alabama this week to hook up a new acquisition to our network. Also check out their existing network infrastructure, take away their desktop admin privileges if necessary, etc etc etc.

Normally I'd be able to walk them through this on the phone, but out of the three offices, I only talked to one guy who seemed to know what he was doing. Also I've been asked to evaluate them for server, upgrades, the usual.

I'm not taking a computer with me, so I'll be offline most of the week. It's like working and vacation at the same time.

Get a grip

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 14:36:58 GMT

You know, I'm as big a fan as anyone of trivia, obsessive hobbies, and purity of form, but sometimes even I have to advise someone to take a deep breath and get a life.

Sewing night

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 14:16:23 GMT

Anyone interested?

Next week I'll be in Alabama on business, so it's definitely off then. At least the company office is 4.4 miles from the local fighter practice, but the site doesn't list what day it is. I'll have to contact someone to see if they want a meet and beat.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 20:00:56 GMT

SYN

Weekend

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 18:19:18 GMT

Loot

I got three games which threaten to destroy any remaining free time I have:

Guild Wars (I like; more below)
Fable (have not yet installed)
Doom 3: Resurrection of Evil (have not yet installed)

Last week I discovered the existence of these sueded shirts that feel wonderful. I bought one for myself to confirm that I like them. I do. Then I got three this weekend from different family members, all of whom are apparently more up to speed on modern clothing than I am, having bought them weeks ago. I, however, am up to speed on medieval clothing, which is why I am ecstatic that I got a bunch of mediumweight black linen and canvas black linen, not to mention an entire roll of organic cotton batting.

Also my lovely lady got me an LG9800 phone to replace the basic model I had. It has all kinds of cool features that I will be able to use once I read the manual:

Bluetooth earpiece (have not yet gotten the phone to recognize the headset)
Speakerphone (dunno how to use yet)
Voice dialing (it's somewhere in the settings, I know)
MP3 player (tells me I have no files on the smart card, when I do)
Camera for still pix and 15 second video clips (when I figure out how to use the controls)

I am a geek and eat challenges like this for lunch, when not distracted by Guild Wars and World of Warcraft.

Some of the things I got the aforementioned lady:

A sheepskin throw (the cat likes this)
A ring she liked, which I packed in successively larger boxes to the point where I had to tape two Dell computer boxes together and it would barely fit in the car
Two calendars: one of tigers and one of kittens (she likes cats)
A smoothy maker
Two Clappers

This is the only time of the year when Clappers are available. I dunno why. We can definitely use one, as our office has a single grounded socket on which we have placed both computers, all my networking gear, etc etc etc. Of course, this is the socket controlled by the light switch. I have taped over the switch so no one can flip it by accident.

Thoughts on World of Warcraft and Guild Wars

Both games are great, there's no question of that. Here's a comparison between the two. I'm assuming most everyone reading this is familiar with WoW already.

First of all, Guild Wars is a much simpler game. WoW has a whole toolbox of things you can do, ways you can customize your toon, and so on. In contrast, GW is like a stripped down game with a different focus. Some specifics:

Races

WoW has eight.
GW has one: human.

Classes

WoW has nine.

GW has six: warrior, ranger, monk, mesmer, elementalist, necromancer. However, in GW you can take two classes. Each class has certain attributes; Warrior, for example, has Axe, Hammer, and Sword mastery, which affect damage and critical strikes with the relevant weapons, and Tactics, which affects group combat. Each class also has a primary attribute that is only available if it's the primary class. Warriors, again, have Strength, which boosts all weapon forms.

With this comboing, you can combine the abilities of two classes to create a more detailed character than you'd initially think. I had a warrior elementalist that would rain fire down on opponents from afar and then take them all out with cyclone axe attacks up close.

In addition to attributes, there are specific skills you can learn relevant to each class. Warriors right away learn Frenzy and Healing Signet, then attack forms specific to weapons. Elementalists, unsurprisingly, learn ways to harness the elements.

Aesthetics

Both games are stunning, but in different ways. WoW has more of a fantasy feel to it and the look and feel is a little more....cartoony. Not that this is a bad thing; the scope of the world is entrancing. GW, in contrast, is close to photorealistic. The scenery is gorgeous, with cascading waterfalls, plants blowing in the wind, butterflies flapping across the meadow, footprints in the snow, capes that swirl as you turn...wow (no pun intended).

Gameplay

WoW has many options at your fingertips, and you can get AddIns like Popbar to stack your quickslots right where you want them. Even so, oddly, it feels a bit limited. After a bit, you start to realize that combat is the same two moves over and over again with the occasional special attack thrown in. Considering the amount of grinding necessary to advance levels, after a while combat turns into another round of "hit these keys, in this order" and watch it play out like a scripted event.

GW has combat with much more visual detail. When attacking, a character will slash, backhand, chop, stab, etc. Also, the graphics are made to look a lot more like realistic combat: characters are balanced on their feet in stance, lunge in and out, sway back to dodge, and so it. It's all the same effect, but a lot more interesting to watch. In fact, it plays a lot more like a console game than an RPG. There's also niceties thrown in like wands shooting bolts straight, but arrows flying in parabolic arcs (which you can dodge, natch). Another cool features: four weapon quickslots to rapidly switch. WoW allows you to place a weapon in a quickslot to switch, but you can't combine weapon & shields into a single click.

However, WoW also has a multitude of abilities in class skills, plus additional professions to learn. This turns downtime away from combat into gameplay time, too, when you make stuff or go searching for materials. The interface makes it easy to get to your skills at any time, and there's no practical limit to the number available at once.

GW only has an eight-slot bar for skills, which is a deliberate limitation. You also can't change what skills you have selected for use while adventuring or on a mission; you have to be safe in town to rearrange the slots. This demands careful planning in advance. On the other hand, there aren't nearly as many options available as WoW, so the limitation is not so severe.

Speaking of towns....

In WoW, the entire world is shared except for a few dungeon instances, which are unique to the player/group exploring them. This results in a lot more player interaction; I've saved a bunch of noobs who've bitten off more than they can chew, and vice versa. I like the ability to form spontaneous parties with players who've gotten to the same place as me, take down the last guy in the quest, and then split up. (Especially 'cause no one in my guild is ever online anymore....)

In GW, the towns are shared space with all players, and everything outside is an instance. Also, of note, there are no realms in the game. Players are grouped by default into geographic zones, but you can easily traverse them to meet players outside your physical location. This has several interesting effects:

The game doesn't have to be saturated with enemies to provide targets for all players. There are still enough for a single player or party, but it's a much more reasonable dispersion. This is a bit more believable, too; how could a single hillside support forty apex predators like in WoW? Again, the difference between the games is that one is a fantasy setting and the other is more realistic.
Traveling from point A to point B doesn't have to consist of hacking your way through an entire ecology. On the minimap, you can see all entities, color coded by friendly, hostile, or neutral. There's a smaller circle surrounding you that shows the radius at which hostiles notice you and choose to attack or not, so you can steer through fields full of enemies almost completely by watching the minimap.
The towns are packed. I mean, packed. Ironforge has nothing on population density. General chat, of course, makes you shed tears of pain. Interestingly, the game is low enough on bandwidth that I haven't noticed any issues at all on lag.
If your butt gets in trouble, no one is coming to save you.
The emphasis of the game is on completing quests, not body counts.

Traveling....ah, traveling. That's the most annoying part of WoW, that you have to physically slog it wherever you're going. GW has a nifty little feature that lets you travel instantly to major map points to which you've been before. In fact, I've used it once or twice to escape from battles where I was getting overwhelmed. Again, the point of the game is completing quests and roleplaying, not bashing your way through hordes of enemies and geography.

In fact, that's an entirely different section.....

Purpose

In WoW, the opportunities are vast. You can raise your toon to level 60, hit the top of your chosen professions, craft epic items, join the ongoing struggle for PvP rankings, or sit on a dock and fish.

In GW, the emphasis is more on group PvP and roleplaying and less on raising levels and making things. For instance, if you want to make armor, you acquire the raw materials and take it to a crafter, who makes it for you. There are only twenty levels, and if you like, you can choose to kick a new character right into PvP. This bypasses leveling and initial adventuring, powers you up to top level instantly, and drops you into PvP zones. This isn't that big of a deal; after a half day of playing, my character was level seven before leaving the noob zone.

I get the feeling that there's a lot more coming. After all, GW has free online play and intends to finance itself by selling expansion packs. They liken it to playing Magic, where the more packs you buy, the more options you have to play with.

Vendor disappointments

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 21:14:51 GMT

So, I was supposed to be traveling on business next Monday through Thursday. It was to be a whirlwind tour of three sites of our most recent acquisition in Kentucky and Alabama.

Note for the curious: this would have involved about twelve hours of driving in two days, interspersed with hooking the labs up to our VPN and switching all desktops to our mail and logon servers. Yum.

AT&T entrusted overnight delivery of the VPN routers to Fedex, who promptly delivered one of them six hours late and left the other two, according to their site, in Memphis. But that does't matter, because AT&T still hasn't created the credentials that would allow me to authenticate the routers on the VPN head anyway.

Sigh. The trip is pushed back at least a week.

Lottery ticket

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 16:30:20 GMT

Someone at the office gave me a lottery ticket for Christmas. This is the first time I have ever been given a ticket that has won anything. I am $2 richer. Perhaps I'll go spend it at Taco Bell.

Sewing night

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 13:53:37 GMT

We're on.

I'll be asking for assistance getting precise measurements on me, since the patterns I built are for fighting and therefore sized excessively.

Hooray for cop run-ins!

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 21:12:36 GMT

In case y'all were wondering, this is Eisental.